​It’s not uncommon to run into more than one relationship in our life that feels toxic. Sometimes, we may even begin to notice a pattern of these types of relationships. This realization can leave us feeling like we are the common denominator. 
 
Many clients ask the question, “Is there something that I am doing to attract narcissistic people?” and “Why did this happen to ME?”. 
 
Let me start by saying, it is never your fault when someone else behaves like a jerk. We are all responsible for our own behavior. Let’s be clear about that. There is nothing that we do to cause narcissistic people to behave they way that they do. Equally, there is nothing that we can do to fix these toxic behaviors in others. 
 
There are, however, some things that predispose us to falling in with toxic people. Recognizing these tendencies, with self-compassion, is part of our journey toward building a life full of secure attachment and healthy connection. Becoming more aware of our own patterns and behaviors, we gain deeper insight into how to recognize, and steer away from, toxic people. We’re never fated to a life of unhealthy relationships. We are always growing!
 
Getting entangled with a narcissistic person results from a combination of circumstances. Where we are in our own life journey; time, place and context, combined with crossing the path of a narcissist hungry for new supply, can lead us unknowingly into the trap of a toxic relationship. 
 
Below are six possible reasons you might have become entangled with a narcissistic person.  
 
1.You are an optimist. 
Looking on the bright side is a great quality. This makes you shine. It’s part of your spark!  However, applying a blanket of optimism to an abusive relationship can turn into avoidance or denial. The optimist assumes that things will improve and therefore tolerates offensive behavior longer than necessary. Misdirected optimism can lead us to minimize treatment that’s hurtful and exaggerate the narcissist’s potential for change. 
 
2.You have a forgiving nature. 
A forgiving nature often goes hand in hand with being empathic.  Empaths have a great ability to relate to another’s side of the story. We’re willing to lend support to those in need and don’t like to stay mad for long. Empathy makes the world a better place and when reciprocated is a hallmark of secure attachment.  
 
When dealing with a person who is interpersonally exploitative, being too quick to forgive gives the offender the “green light” to continue their controlling behavior. 
 
Your feelings and needs are important and shouldn’t be minimized.  
 
Being upset when someone hurts us is our intuition’s way of saying, “Something feels off here”. This is how we know where our boundaries lie. It’s our responsibility to honor this intuition in ourselves and set standards of acceptable treatment. It is okay to say, “No. This is not acceptable for me.”. 
 
3.Your self-esteem needs some extra nurturing.  
Sometimes we feel really good about who we are and other times, not so much. Our life experiences and past hurts, if gone unresolved, linger in our psyche and result in patterns of self-doubt, low confidence and a negative self- perception. 
 
Oftentimes, we seek to soothe these discomforts by reaching outward. While this creates temporary relief, it may also be a distraction from working through our own issues. 
 
Narcissistic people are skilled at mirroring what they think you need to hear and are masters at spotting our vulnerabilities. Being intentional about working through our own insecurities and nurturing our self-esteem reduce susceptibility to toxic relationships. 
 
4.You have had a narcissistic parent or caregiver. 
In some cases, we may have had a narcissistic parent or caregiver. Growing up with a narcissistic parent creates a kaleidoscope of unhealthy beliefs about our SELF and our connection to others, that require conscious and intentional effort to reframe. Co-dependent and people pleasing tendencies are common in adult children of narcissists. 
 
Sometimes, we end up with narcissistic partners because, consciously or unconsciously, the dynamic feels familiar. If we haven’t had a healthy relationship modeled to us, we don’t know any better. 
 
5.You initially found the person very attractive. 
Narcissistic people don’t walk around with horns on their head. They’re often very charming, charismatic and fun to be around. There’s a reason we are attracted to these people. The problem is, it’s only a sliver of their personality, the part they perfect for the audience and wear externally. Underneath, is a person who lacks empathy, is unable to “see” you authentically, or to reciprocate emotional intimacy in a healthy way. While it may feel thrilling at times, it’s not sustainable and will ultimately leave you feeling drained and estranged from reality. 
 
6.You simply didn’t know exactly who you were getting involved with. 
Another reason that we end up so deep into a relationship with a toxic person is that we really didn’t know. We may not have had a relationship like this ever before and were completely unaware that ‘narcissistic abuse’ was a thing. 
 
As an empathic person, the assumption is that others are capable of reciprocating our kindness and using rational skills like compromise, communication and healthy problem solving. Narcissistic people use gaslighting and manipulation to gain psychological control. They essentially hijack our psyche.  
 
While the relationship begins to unravel, we are in shock and disbelief. “Is it me, or is this person completely creating their own version of reality?”.  You are not crazy. When your intuition is telling you that something is off, trust that feeling. 
 
The slow and hard realization of the truth about who this person is can be excruciatingly painful. You are not crazy, you simply did not know. 
 
If you can relate to any of this, I’m sorry for the pain and confusion you’ve experienced.  I get it! Surviving an intimate relationship with a narcissistic person is life altering. While it can be the most painful thing you have endured, it can also be a huge catalyst for growth. 
 
These hard earned experiences can push us into a deeper connection with ourselves. They help us clarify exactly what our boundaries are and teach us how to begin protecting ourselves from being taken advantage of in the future. Remember that you are never destined to a pattern of toxic relationships. Most of us are learning as we go. Each relationship we have on our journey is a new opportunity for growth. 

​For the twenty to forty something adult, in our time, making and sustaining meaningful social connections can be as rare as finding a four-leaf clover. If we are lucky, and look hard enough, we may find a few. However, much of the time, we find ourselves lost in a sea of superficial connections, transient acquaintances and seasonal BFF’s. We are doing all the right things, showing up to gatherings, going to the local gym, yoga studio, coffee shop or happy hour. We may have even tried organizing events ourselves, downloaded a local networking app or contributed our wise words of wisdom on Facebook groups and community forums. Hoping to find our tribe. 
 
Yet, we still often feel alone and emotionally isolated on an overpopulated planet. 
 
Is it me? Am I just not good at sustaining meaningful connection with others? My lifestyle doesn’t lend itself to long-term connection. Nobody really understands me. I am different than most people. 

​These are some of the distorted beliefs that we internalize in an era of social media, nomadic lifestyles and dispersed community. 
​  
​We are transient, global citizens now. We know many people, in many places. Yet, on a deeper level we often feel disconnected from each other. I assure you, it isn’t just you. This is a thing.  
 
This social dissociation, isolation and loneliness is a major factor in our epidemic of anxiety and depression among adults. It has become the elephant in the room of modern culture. 
 
We live in the age of self-help podcasts, life coaches and holistic wellness practices. This is all good stuff! The growing draw toward organic sources of wellness may be indicative of our need to feel a deeper sense of connection to our own identity and to our place in the world around us. 
 
Yet somehow, something is still amiss in our pursuit of true belonging. 
 
In the generations that preceded ours, community was easier to come by. People stayed in the places they were born and accumulated layers of common experiences over time. We were bound together by default. A big move might be to the next town, not across the globe. Technology was simpler and our social networks were smaller. We shared common values that largely revolved around a sense of place and generations with of history. The blueprint was already laid out for us. 
 
A sense of belonging and meaningful connection to others is an essential part of good mental health. Our place in community reinforces how we see ourselves and is in part, how we affirm our identity. 

It isn’t 1936, I get that. But, the way we live has changed dramatically over a few generations and we have paid only small attention to the, ever-evolving, social and emotional costs of these changes. 
 
This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does mean that we need to be more intentional about how we build community in our daily lives and to recognize that we are not completely alone in feeling alone. When we internalize this larger sociological issue, we begin to create limiting beliefs that perpetuate our feelings of disconnection. I do not belong. I am different than others. People are superficial. 
 
​The good news is that there are definitely things we can do right now, to be intentional about cultivating a sense of community and creating deeper connections in a technology saturated, nomad-dominant era. Bringing us closer to a sense of belonging, integration and personal identity. 

​Here are a few...

Nurture friendships from past and present. We can do our part to keep the fires burning with geographically distant friendships. When you think about a distant friend, communicate with them immediately! Make this your golden rule. Keep the dialogue going and go the extra mile(s) to stay connected. Being consistent in contact, means that you do not have to catch up on the past ten years every conversation (which can feel daunting) and you can make space for more day-to-day conversations. The real you, not the polished cliff-notes version.  

Do not be afraid to be vulnerable. When we are able to show our vulnerability to others, they are more likely to find us relatable and let their guard down a bit. Opening the door for more meaningful connection. The truth is, we have much more in common than we think.  

Fix family conflicts. Estranged siblings, parents, grandparents, cousins? It seems to be a common trend to have one or more family members that we no longer talk to. We hold on to the hurt feelings and simply choose not to participate in being a daughter, sister, brother, etc.. Assuming it safe to do so, consider mending old wounds and reconnecting with members of your original tribe. 

Seek places that have history, culture and less transient populations. When scouting out a new community to live in, think about the history, the architecture, and the culture of that place. Look for communities with a vibrant art culture, small businesses, and a sense of identity or a palpable history.   

Introduce yourself to the neighbors. Sound obvious? What are your neighbor’s names? You may or may not know these folks for a lifetime, however, taking the time to greet a new neighbor can reinforce your shared sense of place and strengthen your feelings of belonging in your physical community.    

Honor traditions and make up your own. Traditions and rituals are repeatable and symbolically meaningful.  Things like seasonal dishes, vacation spots, and birthday celebrations reinforce the values of origin that make us who we are. If you do it more than once, it’s a tradition. Make up your own and share these statements of your history and identity with others. 

Learn about your family heritage. Connecting to a cultural, ethnic or geographic story about how we got here can anchor our sense of identity and place in the world. Amazon Prime didn’t deliver us to our parent’s doorstep, a long line of lives and fascinating journeys got us here. We can honor that by taking the time to find out where we came from.   

Use social media responsibly. Let’s face it, this is a major culprit in our growing feeling of social isolation. It’s often miss-used and can leave us feeling even more alienated. Set limits to protect your own reality and be mindful of how you internalize scrolling through other people’s projections of the “good life”.  

Less networking and singles meet-ups and more civic engagement. While networking events and meet-ups can be a great way to connect, they are often short-lived and fleeting. If you are looking for more sustainable ways to connect to your community consider volunteering, attending city planning meetings or well established civic groups. Becoming a Big Brother/ Big Sister or mentoring a young person can create a deeper sense of meaning and possibly a life-long friendship.   

Utilize therapy and coaching support. The reality is that we all need to feel genuinely and authentically understood. If the times are a changing, and they are, flow with the tide. It is not only acceptable now to seek therapy, it is practically expected. Many people utilize the therapy and coaching relationship to work through the challenges of living in a socially/emotionally disconnected era. These tools are everywhere and easy to access from any part of the world.   

Recognize that social structure is evolving and do not internalize it. The most important take away here is to remember that you are not completely alone in feeling a bit disconnected from community. Finding difficulty in making meaningful social connections is a sentiment that I have heard from SO MANY people in recent times. Be careful not to turn a larger sociological issue into a perceived personal defect. These deeper connections, feelings of identity, belonging and sense of community are completely available to us all. We only need to re-think our approach and be intentional about seeking what we need to feel connected.   

If you are interested in exploring these ideas further, let’s talk. Through the Global Wellness Center, I offer Psychotherapy and Life Coaching both in-person and online. I’d love to hear your perspective on this topic. Feel free to email your thoughts and ideas to [email protected].

​The beginning of a new year is an opportunity for a fresh start. We wake up on January 1st full of optimism and determination to change our lives. Often despite, having a bit too much fun the night before. We burst into the New Year with hopefulness and declare that this year will be different, better, improved.

Human beings seem to have an assiduous desire to “improve” their lives. Less sugar, more spinning, better sleep. “I will be amazing by June”, we say. “I will learn a new language, travel to Greece and be able to bounce a penny off my abs. The ME I always wanted to be”. Some time around March we stumble across our list of New Year resolutions on a tattered piece of paper and quickly stuff it back in the drawer with a feeling of self-loathing and shame. We tend to set the same goals every single year, but why?
 
The answer is simple. We set the bar too high, forget to break down the specific steps and underestimate the importance of following-up with ourselves.
 
The key to setting realistic goals is this: Simplicity and Sustainability.
 
The idea is to keep the essence of your personal wellness goals spacious. Since we cannot predict the future, we can assume that our circumstances, environments and situations will change throughout the year. It is a good idea to leave some room for your goals to adapt to changing contexts. Keep it broad and simple.
 
We also tend to set goals that we think we should set instead of what we really need or want to set. In order for new habits to be sustainable, they must be in line with our deeper ideologies about health and wellness and remain consistent through changing tides.
 
Example: Instead of asking, “What do I need to do this year?”, try asking, “What do I value most?”.
​
I have put together a few tips to help you focus on setting sustainable resolutions for personal wellness. Here is a fun Five Step Exercise for setting a New Year goal plan that will stick.
 
STEP ONE: Use a blank sheet of paper to pour your heart out and jot down ALL the goals that come to mind. No rules, just a dream-catcher of thoughts. You may decide to leave this magical sheet of paper on your desk or kitchen table for a few days until you are sure your have captured all of the ideas floating around in your mind.

​STEP TWO: Identify several broad categories for these goals. Your magical thought catcher might have dozens of ideas. However, a closer contemplation will reveal that many of these are the same or similar thoughts. Try identifying four to six board categories. For example, Physical Wellness, Intellectual Wellness, Nutritional Wellness, Creative Wellness. Hint: These broad categories may be written in the form of an affirmation statement.
 
For example, instead of saying, “I want to lose ten pounds, exercise three times a week and do more sit-ups”, your broad goal might be, Physical Wellness. An affirmation (if you choose to use one) might look something like; “I dedicate time each day to check in with my body and assess my feeling of physical wellness.”. Keep it simple.
 
STEP THREE: Ah...the trusted index card. We will call them Wellness Cards. Smile. Write down the four to six broad wellness categories on the front of an index card. If you choose to adapt the positive affirmation, add that too!
 
Example (Front of Wellness Card):
PHYSICAL WELLNESS
I dedicate time each day to check in 
with my body to assess my feeling of physical wellness.
 
On the back of the Wellness Card, write down specific ideas you have for how to do this. Remember the “changing circumstances”? Give yourself options. It is unlikely that every single Wednesday of the year, you will be in the 6:30 yoga class. Stuff happens. If you are having an off day, perhaps you simply choose to stretch at home and defer class until you feel better. The idea is to set your self up for success with flexible options instead of creating sneaky opportunities to feel disappointed for not following an unrealistic routine.
 
Example (Back of Wellness Card):
Yoga 1x week. Meditation and breathing exercise. Run 3x week. Stretch.
 
HINT: Colorful index cards and inspiring stickers may add an extra touch of positive energy.

STEP FOUR: Identify your main source of organization. Do you use your phone, a spiral notebook, planner or a journal to keep track of your life? Determine your main system of organization and keep your Wellness Cards near. Commit to starting each day by quickly reviewing the cards and noting your achievements in your calendar each evening.
 
STEP FIVE: In your calendar, note periodic dates throughout the year to review your Wellness Goals. March, June, September, December are good three month markers to conduct a goal refresher. You may decide to make this review a special occasion. A Personal Wellness Date with your self so-to-speak. This time of reflection allows us to refine our specific goals for current circumstances and add new ones to the list.
 
Setting realistic objectives for personal wellness is an essential part of a healthy and happy lifestyle. Everyone has a unique approach to transforming aspiring thoughts into tangible action steps, this is just one. However, you decide to approach it, remember to celebrate each accomplishment and reinforce achievement with the positive self-talk you deserve. You are the master of your own destiny and each of us innately owns the ability to live a powerful life.
 
If you would like to take a deeper look into your personal wellness practices, consider taking my Six Week Wellness Journey online. The Global Wellness Center offers a unique opportunity to create a thorough assessment of personal wellness, create a comprehensive goal plan and talk through the strengths and barriers that affect productivity and happiness. 

Many of those who are close to me have come to learn more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) than they probably ever wanted to know. As a mental health professional, who has specialized in women and relationships, I naively believed I that I was immune to the perils of the sociopath. I would certainly be able to spot one coming a million miles away. I would straighten my professional jacket, point him out with my pen in hand and clearly declare a safe and solid boundary.
 
Some of you, who do not know me as well, may have missed the fact that I spent nearly four soul-splitting years in a relationship with a narcissist. If you, like me, have ever hung out in the “I survived Narcissistic Abuse and all I got was this lousy t-shirt” club, you can attest to the fact that it is certainly a life changing experience.
 
There is no shortage of literature available online discussing this topic.  It is like Googling, “how to fix a busted water pipe” - you don’t know you need it until you really, really need it.
 
In hindsight, it is so clear. What I was experiencing ticked ALL of the boxes on the hundreds of lists circulating the web on How to tell if you are in a relationship with a narcissist. Unfortunately, the nature of this creepy and clandestine mistreatment is more like a very, very slow leak than a sudden and obvious POP. It is wrapped in an overly decorated package and deliberately designed to make you question your sanity, lose your cool and feed your own self-esteem to someone else’s birds without even knowing what has occurred. 
 
And just when you have mustered up and spent every last ounce of your sacred energy trying to fix the horrible scene unfolding, you are quickly discarded without a second thought. Without remorse. Without explanation. Without reason. Like it never happened. Talk about a serious WTF experience? Welcome to the world of Narcissism.
 
But wait...there is an upside. Actually, there is an incredible, amazing, unimaginable upside.  Life changing experiences like these can open up doors for us to connect to ourselves on a very deep level. In this space, we can access unexplored parts of ourselves, make new healthy connections, and realize things we had never known (or had forgotten) were possible. So now, the name of the club has changed to the, “I have survived everything that life has thrown my way and I am rocking this f*ing t-shirt” club. You feeling me?
  
More and more attention is being given to understanding Narcissist Personality Disorder (NPD) and how it affects those whose lives have have been impacted by involvement with a narcissist.  What seems like a devastating blow can actually be a great gift on our own journey of self-discovery. There are definite things we can do to support resilience, overcome loss and benefit greatly from thriving in the face of challenge. There is a growing community of men and women who have overcome narcissistic abuse and are all here to help others make sense of the rubble and re-build an even stronger fortress of self-love.
 
My therapy practice, Global Wellness Center, specializes in working with folks navigating the journey of life. From grief and loss to relationships to vocational stress, self-care and creative goal setting.  Global Wellness Center was created to offer support and clarity on the bumpy (but also amazing) road of life.
 
If Narcissistic Personality Disorder has affected you, or someone you know, please share, and get in touch. Let’s talk about it. There is hope. I promise. Looking forward to hearing from you. 

Much Love,

​Jamie